I wish I could say that this screaming accusation was an anomaly heard once from a lone woman on a raging tirade stemming from hormonal imbalances and extreme delusion-inducing fatigue, but sadly, it is not. It is a very common charge made against men by the vast majority of women – okay, at least a vast majority of those women with whom I have counseled. Guys, it is true – A LOT of women feel as though SEX is the most important thing on your mind and many of them feel totally useless for anything other than SEX.
Ask most psychologists what a man’s greatest need is and many will tell you: SEX. They drone on and on about how important SEX is to a man and how he has a basic, uncontrollable drive to desire SEXUAL RELATIONS with another. Many psychologists will tell you that SEX is a powerful driving force in a relationship and that a man who has good SEXUAL INTIMACY with his wife feels closer to her and better bonded than those men who do not. Many professional counselors will even go so far as to suggest a “good night of SEX” as a remedy to problems that arise within the home. With all this rhetoric the only logical conclusion to come to is that man’s greatest need really is SEX, right?!?
To discover what man’s greatest need REALLY is, we have to go all the way back to the beginning – to his creation. Man was created by the Master Designer with very specific needs – needs that drive him towards specific behaviors. Those needs were put there by God Himself and the only way they can be satisfied is by doing things God’s way and fulfilling them with what He intended them to be filled with. So, what is man’s greatest need?
“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’ Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to e every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:18-24 (emphasis added)
Man’s greatest and deepest need is not SEX; it is COMPANIONSHIP.
For far too long SEX has been considered the greatest need of a man and many women have been abused and mentally beaten down by this notion. Although SEX is important to a man and a definite driving force in bonding a man to his wife, it is not his greatest need at all. COMPANIONSHIP is man’s greatest need.
Think with me for a moment:
If SEX was indeed the greatest need a man has, why would so many men take the plunge into holy matrimony? If SEX was what men are truly driven by, that could easily be remedied by the countless number of women who are willing to have SEX with them – even for free. Marriage would not be necessary if SEX was the need. Even with the rates of co-habitation at an all-time high, men still choose marriage. If SEX was truly the greatest need of a man, why have so many gone to war over the love of a good woman? Could not their SEXUAL appetite be filled in other ways? The answer to these questions – and more – is summed up quite easily in one word: COMPANIONSHIP.
God designed man to NEED companionship. While it is true that some men are given the gift of celibacy (a spiritual gift from God for an intended purpose), most men NEED a wife – someone comparable to him and a life helper to him. It is a deep need designed by God Himself to bring a man and a woman together for the purpose of displaying the full image of God (that’s another blog entirely) in the earth. That kind of fulfillment can never be satisfied with SEX.
Friends, it is true that SEX is a strong force that destroys lives and marriages. It is true that many men give up the love of a good woman to pursue SEXUAL RELATIONS with someone other than his spouse. That is simply the sin principle at work. Often that is excused away by claiming “need”, but in reality it is an act of the selfish, carnal nature seeking to fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Ladies, it is true that your husbands need you for a lot more than SEX even if they have not learned how to express that to you. Birthed deep within the heart of man is indeed a drive to be PHYSICALLY INTIMATE with his spouse as a way of showing love, tenderness, care, and connection. Sadly, because of the differences between men and women, that fact is often lost in the overwhelming emphasis on the physical above the other aspects of connection: emotion, mind, and spirit.
Men, if you have not yet learned to 1. admit your need of companionship (fellowship and friendship), and 2. value your wife’s companionship (fellowship and friendship) as more important than the physical act of SEX, ask God to help you see the depth of your own need. It was God Himself who said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” God’s design all along has been the deep inner connection of body, spirit, and soul between a man and a woman. COMPANIONSHIP. That goes much farther than the reaches of the physical union of two bodies.
Oneness happens in marriage on many levels: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. Do not focus so much on the physical that you forget the others. Likewise, learn the value and importance of the physical and do not ignore it while pursuing the others. God wants you to enjoy SEX. God wants you to desire SEX (within the bounds of marriage and with your own spouse). But God does not want you to believe that SEX is your greatest need, for if you do, you may soon find yourself in disastrous situations. One day you might find yourself in a precarious situation where you can no longer engage physically with your spouse, then what? COMPANIONSIP. It has always been and will always be the greatest need of man.